Friday, December 11, 2015

How to Be Romeo Rose's Girlfriend: A Brief Primer (NSFW)

Stand in line, ladies, Romeo Rose is single and looking to mingle. Before you write him off as a late bloomer who takes his romantical ideals from Mrs. Robinson, porn, The Pickup Artist and bodice rippers, know that he worked very hard to cultivate the image and personna of Romeo Rose: The Romantic.

Romeo Rose: Evolution of a Romantic

Step:1 in becoming the ultimate romantic? Lose the dull name.


Larry Busby? Yawn. Romeo Rose? Now that's romantic!

Step 2: Take your fashion tips from Fabio and Harlequin Romances

Crushed velvet? Satin? Frills? It takes a man who is truly secure in his masculinity to pull off this look, especially when he's wearing it as a 40 year old. Romeo Rose has the stylin' down!

Step 3: It's all about the smile, ladies. 

The makeover is almost complete. One more element is needed...

Nasty brown teeth? Not romantic! Giant veneers? RRRRRAwrrrr!  (Except eww. Tartar.)
  Hey there, hotness!

You too can be Romeo Rose's Newest Silly Girl!  

Oh sure, Romeo Rose might have seemed like a socially awkward young man at one time, but don't let the fact that he had his first kiss when he was 24 throw you off. He's had plenty of years to practice. After all, he had a good teacher.

He called her "Silly Girl" and she was 18 years his senior when they met --and he wants you to be exactly like her! You can totally do this ladies!

Fortunately, Romeo Rose left instructions - a manual, if you will - on how to be exactly like Silly Girl!

Now ladies, don't feel intimidated by Romeo Rose's Giant List of Expectations, even if you feel you have some incredibly big shoes to fill. Think of each requirement as items in your love primer and that you're in training to be the ideal Juliet to Romeo Rose.

Ready for a life of 24/7 romance? Let's go!


Step 1: Sex. Lots of Sex!

I know you like to sleep at night and need to work during the day, but we're talking about Romeo Rose, here. This is a chance to be the girlfriend of a legendary Austin chick magnet. Just close your eyes and giddyup. It'll be over in a few hours.


Step 2: Always be available....for sex!!


In case you didn't understand the importance of Step 1.

Sex is important. So important that you have to make yourself available at any time. Jim Bob Duggar would so approve.

Bonus points if you can get rid of that messy uterus!


Step 3: After sex, save your energy for what's really important!

Don't worry about visits to the salon, shopping, or pampering yourself,  even if Romeo Rose does all that stuff for himself. He is the only high maintanance person allowed in the relationship.

Don't worry, Ladies. If you work real hard he'll let you get your nails done once in a while as a treat. The important thing is you save your energy so you can get things done around the house.

There's no free ride with Romeo Rose, ladies, unless of course he's the one doing the riding.


Step 4: Be tattoo and piercing free!

Don't worry, though! It's not a total deal breaker if it means Romeo Rose gets to first base.


Step 5: Be prepared for everyone to know your personal business....


...and have your whole life videotaped and uploaded for public consumption!



Even if it might be a little embarrassing...



Step 6: Just say no to drugs!


Unless you're a crack whore and Romeo Rose needs to buy them for you in order to get laid. Then it's perfectly OK - you know in case you want to role play one day.


Step 7: Causes are important.


Romeo Rose is very conscientious and quite passionate when it comes to the plight of the poor, oppressed, straight white man. Be prepared to take up the cause with him.

Don't worry about concerning yourself with other people's struggles. Straight, white men like Romeo Rose need you more.


Step 8: Keep the right kinds of company. 


Straight. White. Men. This is important.


Go for it, Ladies!


Think you got what it takes to be the next Silly Girl 2: Electric Boogaloo? Well go for it ladies! If you work out you too can drink your champagne out of adorable Eiffel Tower glasses - and if you're real good he may even let you wear your filthy, nasty shoes in bed!


Now go and get your prize!


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